


Not Eggsactly To Plan

by GiuGiu



Series: TUA Kid Fics [1]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Childhood, I made up their birth countries woo, Kid Fic, Mother's Day, does anyone actually know where diego and klaus were born?, klaus and diego are not good at cooking surprise surprise, they are ten tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-17
Updated: 2019-02-17
Packaged: 2019-10-30 13:49:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17829737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GiuGiu/pseuds/GiuGiu
Summary: Klaus was squinting at him. “Mom doesn’t eat.”“I knew I shouldn’t have told you, you don’t get it!”“No! I’m sorry! I get it! I can help.” Klaus desperately grabbed the carton of eggs before Diego could get another one. “I want to help. Please.” His brother’s big, round eyes were pleading in the way that always made Diego give in.“F-fine.”“Yay! Okay, don’t stab me, but I don’t think we should use the stove anymore.”





	Not Eggsactly To Plan

**Author's Note:**

> Diego and Klaus are total momma's boys. And Grace's programming cannot handle their cuteness.

Diego tiptoed down the hall, calculating every step, anticipating every creaky floorboard. He didn’t dare turn any lights on so all he had was the dim half moon to guide him. Mom was programmed to wake up at five am, so Diego had exactly one hour to complete his mission. But if she heard him the whole thing would be blown.

He carefully crept past his siblings rooms. Down the staircase. Just one more flight of stairs to go…

“What are we doing?” The words, spoken at a normal volume, felt extremely loud in the pressing silence of the mansion.

“Shhhh!” Diego hissed at his brother.  _ Of course _ , Diego thought, _ it would be Klaus that ruins this.  _ “Mom will hear you!” He whispered, taking in his brother’s perfectly ironed flannel pajamas, obviously unslept in.

“Sorry, sorry.” Klaus mimicked his hushed volume, hands up in apology. “What are we doing?”

“ _ We _ aren’t doing anything.  _ I _ am going to the kitchen, and  _ you _ are going to bed.”

“Psh, Di-di, you know I don’t sleep.” And well, Diego had not known that about Klaus but he didn’t have time to lecture his idiot brother on REM cycles. So he waved him off and started down the stairs to the kitchen. He was not going to fail this mission. 

Klaus followed him.

Diego whirled around. “I am s-s-serious, Klaus. Go to bed.”

His brother’s big eyes seemed to glow in the dark of the unlit staircase. “You aren’t the boss of me, Diego. I don’t have to do anything!”

“Shhh.” Diego shushed him. “I’m Number Two, so I am the boss of you!”

“You’re only Number Two because Dad stopped in Colombia before he went to Germany!”

Diego groaned, not this conversation  _ again.  _ “Fine, whatever. You can come, just be _ quiet _ .” Diego sighed in relief when they finally entered the kitchen. He turned the lights on and walked to the fridge.

“Midnight snack? Is that all this is? How boring, Di-di.”

“Don’t c-c-c,” Diego took a steadying breath, “call me that.” Diego grabbed the carton of eggs and a frying pan from the cupboard.

“We aren’t allowed to touch the stove.” Klaus sang from his perch on the counter.

“I’m ten, I think I can make some eggs without su-su-supervision.” Diego stared at the stove. His brother was right, they weren’t allowed to touch it, so Diego wasn’t really sure how to use it. But how hard could it be?

He turned the dial to HIGH and set the frying pan over the flames. “You know, Mom gets up in like forty minutes. Can’t you just wait for her?” Klaus asked, blowing some stray curls out of his face.

“No, shut up.” Diego cracked an egg into the pan. And a bunch of little shell bits fell in. “Shit!” He reached in to pick them out. “Shit! Fuck!” He pulled his burnt hand away. Klaus jumped down from the counter and dragged him to the sink.

“Are you okay?” He asked while forcing Diego’s hand under the cool stream of water. They both looked at his bright red fingertips in dismay. “I think we just found out why the stove is off-limits.”

Diego rolled his eyes. “I’m fine. Get off me.” He brushed Klaus off, determined to finish his mission.

And then he smelled the smoke. “Shit fuck!” He pulled the frying pan off the stove.

“Your cursing technique needs some improvement, Di-di.” 

Diego glared at the black chunky thing in the pan, fighting off tears. This was not how the mission was supposed to go. 

Klaus sighed dramatically behind him. “You know, if you told me what you were doing. I could -- I don’t know -- help!”

Diego took a shaky breath. Burnt egg smoke was filling the kitchen, his hour was ticking by, and his fingers really really hurt. What did he have to lose by telling Klaus? Sure, if it was Allison or Ben he would have a little more confidence in this situation. But Klaus was better than nothing, right?

“Okay. Today is Mother’s Day.” He scraped the egg into the trash.

“What’s Mother’s Day?”

“It’s like a day where everyone celebrates moms for being awesome. I heard about it on the radio. And people make breakfast for their moms, to say thanks and stuff.” Diego shrugged and turned to face his brother.

Klaus was squinting at him. “Mom doesn’t eat.”

“I knew I shouldn’t have told you, you don’t get it!”

“No! I’m sorry! I get it! I can help.” Klaus desperately grabbed the carton of eggs before Diego could get another one. “I want to help. Please.” His brother’s big, round eyes were pleading in the way that always made Diego give in.

“F-fine.”

“Yay! Okay, don’t stab me, but I don’t think we should use the stove anymore.” Diego opened his mouth to argue. “I’m not saying we can’t make her breakfast! I just think we can do it another way! A safer way!”

Diego put his hands on his hips, trying to summon all his leadership-y power. “I’m listening.”

Which is how Diego found himself placing whole eggs onto a plate as Klaus pulled jiggly pink bacon strips out of the microwave.

“See? The microwave is the best.” 

“Are those even cooked all the way?” Diego frowned at the meat.

“Um, I dunno, they look okay? She’s not actually going to eat them, so who cares?”

Diego was regretting letting Klaus help. “Are you sure we can microwave eggs?” Maybe Mom was old-fashioned, but he had only ever seen her make them on the stove.

“Of course! It can cook anything! These will be like, hard-boiled, you’ll see.” Klaus grabbed the plate of eggs and thrust it into the microwave. The boys watched through the tiny window as the machine whirred. 

“It’s making a weird noise, Klaus.”

“Hmm. Yeah. I don’t think the eggs are happy.”

Diego side-eyed his brother. “Do you see animal ghosts? Like can you see the baby chicks?”

“Wow.”

“What?”

“I can’t believe you guys call me the idiot.”

“Fuck you.”

“No, fuck you.”

“No --”

The explosion was very loud. They both jumped and stared in horror as one egg after the other blew up.

“This is your fault, Klaus.”

☂☂☂

Grace arrived in the kitchen at precisely 5:01 am. Where she found two of her sons waiting for her. Which was unusual in itself as they weren’t required to wake for another 0:29 minutes. 

“Happy Mother’s Day!” Diego and Klaus yelled and lifted up a plate of raw bacon, runny eggs with large chunks of shells, and untoasted bread.

Grace analyzed the kitchen in .01 second. There was smoke clouding the air. The microwave’s door was open and it seemed to be sparking with electricity. The sink’s faucet was dripping a slow stream of water. The toaster had a knife in it.

The odds of her children sustaining harm or dying were rising with every second they remained in the kitchen.

But when she turned her attention back to her boys, her programming that was screaming for her to evacuate her children from the room quieted. Diego and Klaus were grinning. Diego’s left canine tooth had yet to grow in from when he lost his baby tooth 3.21 days ago. Klaus’ cheeks were red with exertion and his curls were a tangled mess. Their eyes were alight with hope.

So she smiled at them. “Oh, boys! Thank you!” She took the plate of raw food and placed it on the table so she could scoop them into her arms. “You are wonderful sons.”

She took a bite of the bacon to make them happy, before ushering them out of the room to neutralize the dangerous mess they had left behind.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr is http://les-waff.tumblr.com/ if you wanna chat ;)


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